Near Grace Experiences

The past two weeks or so life has been overwhelming.  I have experienced seeing a loved one in the depths of brokenness and despair.  The struggle to see hope has been all too real.  I have seen the fear and concern in the lives of those I serve in our school district as they try to grasp the stark reality of the events in Florida.  I am exhausted as I try to find a path to support loved ones, reassure families and find answers that may not exist.  Along this rocky path I have also had discovery.  Some things may not be as grey as I am wont to believe.  

I have discovered that there are things I can do and things I cannot do.  Those things have become far more clear than I ever thought possible.  Many people talk about near death experiences.  I have had near grace experiences where it is possibly the closest I have come to living and understanding this grace we talk about so freely in church.  I'm different now, better, maybe, but different definitely.  There is still plenty to sort out but here are the things I can and cannot do in a list:

Cannots

• I cannot begin to answer all the questions.
• I cannot fix all the problems.
• I cannot tell you if the answers are gun control, more guns, more mental healthcare or whatever other sides exist.  I believe there is a blend of all of this and it isn't a one size fits all answer.
• I cannot tell you if any of those things will work because we haven't done them.
• I cannot play the blame game any longer.
• I cannot ignore the hurt and hopelessness in those I love and those I serve.
• I cannot guarantee that bad things won't happen here.
• I cannot pretend to understand...well...much of anything any more.
• I cannot limit where God is.
• I cannot know what lies on the other side of this journey.

Cans

• I can listen.
• I can pray.  I know the whole "thoughts and prayers" thing is getting crucified in public domains.  I will never be the one to question or limit what God can do with prayer.  It doesn't mean we don't need to be people of action as well but I have the hope of a God who loves us just as we are. 
• I can reassure you that God is very present in all the schools I have served.  A day doesn't go by that I don't pray for those around me.  To look into the eyes of all these young people each day is the proof that God is very present. 
• I can continue to provide near grace experiences to those who hurt.  I will love you and together we will get to the other side...whatever that is.
• I can tell you that you can come just as you are, with all your warts.
• I can promise to do all I can to make sure that all are as safe as we can make it.  
• I can tell you if my daughters were still school aged I would want them in our school and would feel completely confident they are as safe as we can be but understanding there are no guarantees.
• I can see beyond myself and look into the hearts and eyes of others and recognize their brokenness.
• I can try and provide a glimmer of hope and light within the dark chaos that exists.
• I can see that I can't do it all by myself.
• I can admit that there are cannots on this list.

In the midst of this messy we are living in and that I have experienced, I discovered something rather startling about myself.  I've always had a difficult time defining exactly what drives me.  What is the inner core of who I am and what I do?  Hope. I have discovered that I thrive off of hope for myself and maybe more the ability to give hope to others. When faced with a situation where one I love did not have hope, I was distraught.  I floundered and realized this is all I am about.  There is family, work, finances, etc. that drive the decisions we make.  I have to be driven by hope to survive.  Now to figure out where that takes me.

So here I am broken, struggling, tired and worn.  I cling to hope somewhere in this fog.  I now know there are things I cannot do and there are things I can do.  May that be enough.  Peace my friends.

A Superintendent's Diary

It's 4:25 A.M. on the Sunday of Labor Day weekend and here I sit writing my first blog in a very long time.  You see I couldn't sleep because I was ruminating on all that needed to get done at school this next week.  It's funny how you ride a rollercoaster of emotions in this position as superintendent.  I left on Thursday celebrating a good week of workshops and feeling abundantly blessed to be a part of something so special.  Those feelings haven't subsided but now I sit with sometimes overwhelming fear of failure.  So I sent an email to our principals and human resource person because I knew I'd forget what these fears were if I fell asleep again and I'll need their help to overcome these fears.  Now I've brought others into my fear - not sure this is what strong, effective leadership looks like.  The good news is I've grown enough as a leader to let others help.  In the past, I'd take it all on myself.

Why do I do this to myself?  Do other people do the same thing?  What groups of people have I upset or left not feeling as supported as they need?  How can I do my work and keep our board content while keeping my sanity?  Did I mention all the groups of people who do the important work in our school during my short speech?  Were feelings hurt?  Who wasn't there on Tuesday and why?  Will we be ready for our board workshop in a week?  Is our new high school principal supported enough to be successful right now?  Why can't the difficult folks wait a week to stir things up?  What are negotiations going to look and feel like?  Is there anyway to do this without creating friction?  How much do I really control and how much do I want to control?

All these questions and plenty more are present from time to time.  And so, on this morning here I sit pondering and seeking ways to make this the perfect place to work for all.  A lofty, impossible goal but it is what drives me - sometimes out of fear, sometimes out of guilt and sometimes just because it is the right place to be driven.  I do care deeply about doing it right, even in my own quirky way.  I really don't know how to "play superintendent".  I should say I know how but it is not in my genetics or skill set to do it that way.  Over analyzing is my gift and even that last couple of sentences bothered me because they have too many "I's" in them.  This job isn't about me - it's about others.  Yet, all too often I put the focus inward and yet I know when I am best at leading is when I focus outward.

Sharing about my superintendent role is not something I do often with anyone either in written or oral form.  Usually when I come home I'm done with work and it is not a topic of conversation.  I don't let people too far into my professional life as I know the one normal thing I do and can do in this position is reflect a position of neutrality so as not to upset anyone.  (Not sure how to write that aspect of this really but I think we as supers tend proceed cautiously with our words and actions.)  This morning I gave you a little glimpse into the restlessness that exists for me and maybe most of us.  We have lots more questions than answers.  We are bothered more about how things effect people than we let on.  We feel incompetent and insecure more than you know.  (I'm using "we" hoping there are others who feel like I do on this journey!)  We sometimes struggle to understand how we can make a difference like we did as a principal or teacher in this role.

It doesn't happen often but once every so often I have these nights/mornings and I can't get the brain to stop.  My best defense is to write.  Not sure I've ever tried the blog avenue as I usually just email myself but I felt called or compelled to get this rolling again. This particular blog was really more therapeutic for me than it is compelling to readers I am sure.  Thanks for taking the time to look inside the mind of a reflective leader.  I encourage you to go back and read posts from the past as they are far more meaningful than this empty my brain gibberish.

Connected or Disconnected

It's been a while since I've blogged and I feel like it is time to get going again.  This blog and the thoughts behind being connected or disconnected have been tugging at my heart for a long time now.  I'm usually pretty cautious about opening up and sharing some of my personal vulnerabilities but I think the thoughts that have been percolating need to make it to "paper".My job requires me to be politically, spiritually and personally neutral to a degree.  Since there are folks who follow my Facebook posts that are connected (there is that word) to my workplace I tend to live in a safe zone.  Well, it's time to step out on the ledge a bit.  Since it is the season of Lent (one of my favorite church seasons) this seems to be a good time to do some self-reflection.

I believe one of the main reasons it has been so long since my last blog is because of this feeling of being disconnected.  Disconnected from my writing, from reading, from friends, from work and from church has been my state of being for longer than I can remember. Don't get me wrong, I like all of those things but for some reason I have felt this lack of connection to many of my passions in life.  Some may think this is a sign of depression but I don't think that is it. I've discovered that being disconnected does not mean being removed.

Writing is still something I enjoy doing but the ideas and thoughts that make a blog or a poem meaningful have been few and far between.  I hope this blog today triggers those emotional connections that make writing important and worthwhile.  While writing is therapeutic for me, I also need it to be meaningful for others. This hope of making a positive difference and connecting with others is what drives me when the words start flowing.

There have been times in life when reading has reshaped my thoughts, my actions and deepened my understanding of others and of my faith.  The ability to focus and get lost in a story has been absent for too long.  Reading has been a priority for me as a parent and teacher and yet I am not connected to reading myself right now.

I am blessed with wonderful friends and yet I find myself not knowing how to be a good friend or knowing how to connect with those important people in my life.  They have done nothing wrong.  I crave that deep relationship, those life searching conversations and those moments of laughter.  But how do you do that? I don't know any more.

Work is going well and I enjoy the people I work with each day.  However, the passion to make a difference is not consistently there.  Wondering if this is my calling and if I'm impacting lives the way I should is a constant state of mind.  Are the abundant gifts God has given me really being used to impact this world as I know they could?

The same can be said for our church.  I like it there but feel no connection.  This hurts to be honest and I have no one to blame but myself.  I still believe, my faith is intact but the burning passion and questioning that God has used to drive me deeper into this faith journey has been waning.  It leaves me wondering what the barriers are that keep me from being enveloped in the connection that I know should exist.

So where does this leave me?  Well, I heard it in Pastor Andy's sermon tonight.  Sometimes we go blind and don't see that the connections have been there all along.  I realize when I take a young child to the food shelf we started at our school that my heart is beating with the love of Christ as our learning community has stepped up to feed the hungry.  When a student comes to our alpaca farm to help with chores and you see the light in their eyes then I find that connection to the joys of a young child.  Joy was the magic word in the sermon tonight and I need to find those places and people that connect me to that joy.  I am far from knowing the all the answers.  I still question and wonder.  I am abundantly blessed. I am loved.  Grace will overcome.  I pray I will take to heart that this is enough.

The Tension of Hope and Loss

The struggle of clinging to the promise of hope and the questions of why when it comes to loss was profoundly experienced today.  I sat in the hospital today watching as one of our teachers and her kids watched their husband and father slowly die because of cancer.  After a year long battle he finally let go and was called home tonight.  I hesitate to use that phrase "called home" as it has become somewhat cliche' but for this man and his family they truly believe he was called home.  This family's journey has really brought the paradox of the advent season home for me.

I believe in the promise of the advent season, that a baby child will come and change this world and me profoundly.  However, I would be lying if I said I don't struggle, question and doubt whether this belief, hope, faith is justified when I see the hurt and tears of a family who just lost their husband and father.  Really, no 12, 11 and 5 year old child should have to hug their father as he breathes his last breath.  That happened tonight and yet, with all the doubts and questions I saw hope, promise and love.

What I really became struck with was what would this had been like for those kids if there wasn't that promise?  I am no Biblical scholar and don't pretend to be a theological expert but I am sure that in this paradox lies the heart of my Christian beliefs.  For me, this event depicted all that God has done and promised for me.  It was grace in action, and isn't that what Christmas really is?  Advent is the promise of this hope to come and then on Christmas we celebrate the fulfillment of that promise.  As the tears rolled down my face today I was comforted by knowing I am His, the gift of Christmas, and that makes all the difference.

I strongly disagree with all the naysayers who share their disgust that someone or something is taking Christ out of Christmas.  Giving any business, government or person the ability to do that is belittling of the amazing grace and love that this Jesus is.  Tonight my faith in all that we proclaim each Sunday was fortified in a moment of loss.  It proved that neither cancer, nor government, nor any person can overcome this greatest gift.  I still cannot answer why a 34 year old father and husband can die so early in life but I do believe that in the midst of this loss there was promise, there was hope and there was Christ.

Excited and Trapped - the Paradox of Life

Not a lot to say tonight - another crazy day at school.  The lack of functional leadership in our district is starting to take its toll on me and the other staff members.  Fortunately, our building is the functional piece of the district right now so as long as we stay in our zone - life is good.  Unfortunately, there are a number of decisions that ideally need to be made now so that we can effectively plan for next year but that isn't going to happen as we transition to a new superintendent.  Oh well, gainfully employed right!

My real thoughts pertain to the decision we made to put our house on the market and to build on the farm that Esther grew up on if it sells.  Esther's mom still lives on the farm and it has been in the family for 60 years.  The farm has 40 acres (10 acres of woods and the rest pasture) and houses not only my mother-in-law but our two alpacas.  We are blessed to have such a beautiful, fun opportunity and for Esther's siblings being so supportive of our dream.  We are also blessed because we have a wonderful home now and if it doesn't sell we are still home.

It has been quite entertaining to hear the brainstorming going on about what could go on at the farm.  Certainly the Serenity Now Alpaca Farm, LLC will grow and provide some entrepreneurial opportunities.  Esther will hopefully someday be able to just stay at the farm and do her crafty things.  My dream involves starting a camp for autistic children using the alpacas as therapy animals.  The wonderful Special Ed staff at school is volunteering to help get this idea off the ground and staff it for some summer campers.  And if all goes well, maybe we can start selling alpacas and this old fart can retire early!  The brothers-in-law named Mark have suggested a vineyard and vodka distillery.  (Esther's maiden name is Kopka so it would be Kopka Vodka...Ha!)  I'm sure the ideas will continue to grow as time goes on.

I am certainly excited about all the possibilities and to see Esther and her mom so excited about this dream is worth its weight in gold (or in our case alpaca poop).  I would be lying, however, if I didn't admit that this free bird has a little bit of a feeling of being trapped.  Again, don't get me wrong, not something that keeps me up at night or keeps me from eating.  (Far from it!)  Just that little thought about what this means for the long haul.  As I discussed last night I am always searching for that call that is all that I dream of and completely uses the gifts I've been so freely given.  Does this move mean the end to that search for this call?  I don't believe so but a thought that crosses my mind.  It's the right thing to do and that I have no doubt about that.  As usual my problem is there are so many things I still want to do.  Most folks think I've done it all by now and are amazed at the experiences we have gone through in our lives.  I always seem to have this constant yearning for more...not materially or in any tangible measure of success but through experiences and relationships.  There is so much more of this world to explore and learn from right?!

All that being said, I need to be still and know that He is God.  Listen, listen some more and when I feel like moving things my way...listen some more.  So off we go to a new adventure.  Since we are in no hurry to sell our house, it will of course sell in 3 days!  Hopefully it warms up soon so we can live in the camper.  Feel free to respond with other ideas for how we can turn this farm into a place of dreams and life changing opportunities. 

Purposeful, Passionate, Perplexed and Failed Perfection

This is going to be the first of what I hope will be many daily reflections.  My hope is to share as openly and honestly as I can about the thoughts, events and contemplations of each day.  More than likely this will be more therapeutic for me than meaningful for both of my readers.

Today was a continuation of what has been a long few days at school.  It seems we have more families, parents and students who are dealing with stress in their lives and using the school as the place to release those stresses.  I am a people pleaser by nature and it bothers me that their could be parents who are not happy with me or the teachers and staff at our school.  I totally support any parents right to advocate for their child and always tell them to never apologize for being that advocate.  Sometimes their perspective doesn't match with the reality we see in school and that makes for some difficult conversations.  We almost always end in a positive place with a good understanding that we all want what is best for their child.  To be honest, I have been very blessed here and have had very few if any times where the wheels seemed to be coming off the bus.  It feels like we are closing in on a wheels off the bus moment and I don't like that feeling at all.

All of this leads me to my annual, monthly, weekly, daily, hourly evaluation of who am I called to be and where can I make the most impact.  I don't mean this as a way to seek fame or power but truly how can I use the gifts that God has given me in the most meaningful way.  Now don't get worried about this or take this as a hint that I'm leaving education or my current job.  That is not the case.  I find that I am always curious and intrigued by so many facets of life and want to experience them all.  I used to think I was trying to find my calling and now have come to realize I am really seeking to figure out what is not my calling.  Seems like a subtle difference but it is huge in how I deal with days like today.  Instead of looking for ways out...I look for ways to make this better.

The title of this blog kind of encompasses it all for me...I want to be doing something purposeful and that I am passionate about.  (That can be anything from homelessness to BBQ!)  I get perplexed by where is the best place for me to live a purposeful, passionate life.  Not really thinking geographically but more in a soul searching sense.  Through all of this I find that I am not a good perfectionist.  I am a perfectionist in many ways but I hide it pretty well because I don't handle failure well.  This failed perfection is still my biggest block to becoming all that God has in store for me.  My sinful self-pride and ego doesn't let me be real very often if I am totally honest.  I have learned to play the game well but struggle to find that place or those people that I can really become completely real...zits and all.  This struggle does not make me unhappy but it may be quite the understatement to say I am often restless.

I'm not really seeking an answer from others...I think the answers come as part of this wonderful journey I'm on and the unspoken prayers that go through my heart and head each day.  As I've told many when I found out I did not get the superintendent position here, while I was disappointed I am abundantly blessed.  That is so completely true it cannot be overstated.  I get that, I am thankful for so much and yet, Dave Endicott, always is reflective and wondering who he is and what he can do to feel fulfilled.  This journey to be purposeful and passionate will mean a lifetime of perplexity I believe.

In light of today's tragic events I thought this, my first poem, fit the emotion of the night.

A Child's Chaos by Dave Endicott

In the midst of this chaos

Lies the lonely heart of a searching child,

Whose whole life is all but lost.

A life with so many questions and very little reason

Where have we gone wrong?

Is it the parents? Is it the school?

Is it the child? Is it society?

Does it matter who it is?

The question to be asked is,

"How can I help?"

A young boy that has a house

But the reality is he is homeless.

He feels the need to steal.

A life with no perceived value, only objects to take.

Where have we gone wrong?

Is it the divorce? Is it intelligence?

Is it "the system"? Is it our materialism?

Does it matter what it is?

The questions to be asked is,

"How can I help?"

A young girl who has no self-worth,

She feels so ugly and unloved.

She knows she is different.

A life with nothing in common with peers.

Where have we gone wrong?

Is it the television? Is it the magazines?

Is it her classmates? Is it me?

Does it matter who it is?

The questions to be asked is,

"How can I help?"

A class full of children,

Some are friends, some are strangers.

Each one with gifts, each one with faults.

A life filled with children who grow up too soon.

Have we really gone wrong?

Is it the gifts? Is it the faults?

Is it the child? Is it the adult?

Does it really matter?

HOW CAN I HELP?

In the midst of this chaos

Lies a heart full of love

A child searching for acceptance.

A life with so many questions and all the reason

For me to help....a child.